Crazy

Saying it all now sounds crazy. Absolutely crazy. But apparently before this summer started I thought I was turbo woman. I set out to do it all.

My plans were to:

-have full-time job,

-have part-time job,

-take 9 credit hours,

-try to figure out how to be in a close-distance dating relationship after being in a long-distance one for 1 1/2 years,

-live "on my own" for the first time.

-be responsible for a farm full of animals for four weeks (currently)

Sounds crazy doesn't it? But this is what I was going to do. Maybe, in some alternate universe I could have, or in 5 years, or 2 years ago, but not now. I keep asking myself where I went wrong. Where did I fail? Cuz that's what I feel like right now, a failure. Well, my full-time job started before school was really over, so maybe that's where I went wrong. And while education majors don't really have finals, I was playing catch-up from being bogged down/procrastinating, so I never really got a breather, one just flowed right into the other, and it didn't exactly flow. Ok, that must be it, that's where I went wrong. I had decided before school was done that I was going to quit my part-time job, so I put in my two weeks. Did things flow/automatically get easier then? Ha! Course not! I'm not turbo woman remember?

So I went through June, being stressed at work, stressed at home, thankful the people I'm living with weren't on vacation yet, not seeing my boyfriend as often as I thought I should, going to out-of-state obligations, not doing my homework, feeling like beating my head against a wall at the end of every work day. It was a grand month. At the end of this month, through some tearful deliberating I decided to drop 3 credit hours. Yahoo! This should make my life so much easier right? And the week I'm in charge at work I have to open at 6:30am, which means I get done way sooner, so I'll have plenty of time to catch up on homework right? Or...veg in front of the nearest screen to avoid feeling constantly overwhelmed which inevitably makes me feel even more overwhelmed. So now I'm faced with yet another decision through tearful deliberation. Do I drop my remaining credit hours? I'm not getting them done, they're stressing me out, and if my stressful summer flows into a stressful fall (it won't flow folks) it'll be all bad. But I feel like such a quitter, a failure! I don't quit! The last thing I quit was children's choir in 7th grade, and it was so awful that I've focused a lot of energy on not quitting anything ever. Dropping three credit hours was hard enough, and now to drop the remaining six? What's wrong with me? Other people have done it, are doing it, can do it. Why can't I? Am I deficient? When I look back on everything I set out to do at the beginning of summer, it sounds crazy. Absolutely CRAZY. And I tell myself I shouldn't have started it in the first place. But how were you supposed to have known says a voice in my head. How? I don't know, but I was turbo woman remember? Oh right, I'm not. I'm not turbo woman, I'm not psychic, I'm not self-sufficient. I'm a child of God. Who needs to be led through life by a mighty hand.

Lord forgive me for thinking I could do it all on my own. Thank you for constantly watching out for me.

Amen.