every time there is a next time

Depression always sneaks up on her. Whenever she watches out for it, it is always no where to be found, hiding out in the shadows.  For awhile she is wary, vigilant of her surroundings, careful of choices to ensure
that she will stay out of it's snare.  But after so long of being fine, after so many sunshine-y days of blessing, she focuses her attention elsewhere.  She starts to notice shadows in her path and brushes them aside because not every day can be sunshine and roses.  When it's too late, she notices she is in it's wake, and it has stopped concealing itself, stopped crouching in the shadows.   It stands at full height, now baring down on her it's weight pressing her farther and farther into the ground so she can't rise from it.  After a time it leaves, and she's left shaking, curled in a ball, cold and sweaty from the struggle.

When she's back on solid ground again, she is wary once again, surely next time she will be prepared for the sneak attack.  Surely next time she won't be trapped, she will notice the signs of it creeping out of the shadows. Surely this time was the last time, surely this is all she has to endure, all she has to suffer.  Surely, it is over.

But that is what she says every time.  Every time, there is a next time.

Sunrise, Sunset

On April 18, 2013 shortly before I graduated with my bachelor's degree, I wrote a journal entry about what I felt as I neared the end of my college experience and prepared to enter the "real world."  The first line reads, "I feel as if I'm going into one of the sunset times of life.  Darkness is coming and morning is a long ways off."  I don't think I had thought of life in terms of sunsets and sunrises before I wrote that line, but that's how I was feeling at the time.  That set the tone for the rest of my journal.  I did talk about some of the positives of what had been in college, but most of the writing is gloomy.  Everything looking ahead to the future was gloomy.  I didn't have very much confidence in myself and my abilities. My feelings were that my degree, and the license I hoped to obtain would be just pieces of paper, and would hold no merit.  The last line says, "My fear is that it [the sun] will rise on a dreary morning, and I will discover I don't like teaching."

Thank goodness that didn't come true.  Today, February 9, 2015, nearly two years later, I have an entirely different outlook. I truly think that's what it is, an outlook.  Sunrises and sunsets look much the same, it's mostly in your perspective.  I'm convinced I have the best job in the world.  I have a really hard job, and more days than I'd like to admit I want to crawl in a hole and not come out.  But I have job in which I get to see people grow and change, and I get to be part of their enrichment process.  AND I get to do it with children!  Those are the best people to do that with!  The light in their eyes is greater, and they haven't been poisoned by most of the impurities in the world.

Now the sun has risen, and it's a bright happy morning.  Yeah there are clouds in the sky, but without clouds we would have no hope of rain, and less shade.  This may sound like a romanticized view of my job, and maybe it is.  Maybe I will leave work tomorrow feeling completely defeated.  Who knows?  But this is what I'm feeling in my heart now, and I decided to share this corner of it with you.

Blessings

This post is going to be exactly what is says, a list of my blessings.

-This morning I called my mom, and she asked if I wanted to talk to my niece.
"Of course!" I said.
I heard her say, "There's someone that wants to talk to you, tell her what you're doing"
So then I hear the most sweet princess voice on the other end say, "We are at the parade picking up CANDY!"
"Oh my goodness!  You're at the parade?  I wish I could be at the parade!" in my most excited voice.
"Yeah!  Do you want to come over?"
"Oh yes! I would love to come over, but I can't.  Do you know who this is?"
"No."
"This is Aunt Becca!"
"Becca!"
"Yes!  I'm in Kansas but I SOOOO wish I could come to the parade with you!"

This child along with her brother and cousin give me so much joy!  I miss them like crazy all of the time, and I'm SO glad I get to see them in less than a week!!!

-Friends.  Just when I was ready to abandon ship on Western Kansas because it's lonely here, Jesus sprinkled fertilizer on my garden of friends. Jesus is using them to encourage me, look out for me, build me up, teach me and draw me closer to Him.  It's lovely!

-My parents.  They have lavished so much love on me over the years, I can't fathom it really.  I'm so thankful that they have given me such a godly example of a marriage and what it means to follow Christ.  They are honest about the joys and sorrows of life, and I am so thankful for that.

-Pie & Coffee!!!  Coffee because duh.  It's delicious, and needs no further explanation.  Pie because, also delicious.  But I also get to be a volunteer baker at a local coffee shop that's starting up!  Yay!  So excited!

-I have the best job ever.  It's stressful, and nerve-wracking and I am still learning what to do.  But I get to help children reach their potential, all the while seeing the light shine out through their eyes and getting to show them the love of Jesus in the best way I know how.

-Youth.  I get to work with youth at church this year!  It will be crazy, and they will try my patience.  But we get to build relationships and learn to love Jesus together.  I feel so honored to share with them things that Jesus has been teaching me, I'm really excited.

-Oh hey my hair!  I chopped it off this month and donated it for the 3rd time, so that's exciting! I'm glad I have hair that I can do that with.

So that's all for now, thanks for reading y'all!  I'll have more to add later!

Church: Large or Small, God is Faithful

I just watched this video about whether or not the size of the church matters.  Kevin DeYoung, Matt Chandler and Mark Dever of the Gospel Coalition discuss this.  Chandler pastors a congregation of about 10,000 (he explains the breakdown in the video) where as DeYoung and Dever pastor much smaller churches all of the Reformed denomination.  

I think it's hard for us as humans to look at something like that and not focus on the size.  We would either say that church A with 10,000 members is being too tolerant and just letting every Tom, Dick and Harry in the door OR we would say that churches B & C with only hundreds of members are not being faithful and therefore God is preventing more people from coming in the door.  We find something that we think is wrong and cast blame in accordance with our thinking.  In reality all three churches may be living out faithfulness to God and it's showing up in people's lives.  If we looked closely, maybe we would see the faithfulness that way.  Maybe we wouldn't, but that is God's concern, not ours.  "It is the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge and my job to love." -Billy Graham  

The men discuss the fact that different sizes of churches work for different people.  They say that as pastors they make it a point to pray for other churches in their community and churches of other denominations so that congregants don't feel pressured to attend just that church.  They are not greedy people-hoarding pastors, they are men who have been called by God to shepherd the flock and just want to see God's children being fed, whether that is in their sanctuary or another.  Whether it's in a house church or a mega church.

The other main point that stuck out to me was about the rate of growth. All three men agreed that slow, steady growth is better than rapid growth punctuated by loss of members or no growth.  Dever noted that his church has seen slow, steady, constant growth over the last 18 years.  Chandler noted that he also prefers to see slow, steady growth and that it is difficult to guide the congregation and difficult for discipleship when there is rapid growth.

I grew up at Bethesda Mennonite Church in Henderson, NE.   For a community the size of Henderson it is a very large church.  Over the last ten years there has been a steady decline of members and over the last four years some significant hurts have come to the surface.  These last four years have been a difficult time for the congregation, and a time of learning and growth (spiritually).  

Bethesda is still without a lead pastor and as the search continues I believe some of the hurt continues and the doubt of whether or not we will obtain a lead pastor soon, who is good and is willing to take on the problem child that is Bethesda.  Bethesda has had a very unique experience over the course of its life as a congregation.  The people that darken its doors and rest on its pews each week bring with them a unique set of gifts and hurts.  Without going into too much detail and disrespecting the integrity of Bethesda, these gifts and hurts, joys and sorrows, talents and differences among the congregation present a unique challenge to any pastor who would come in.  Is it anything that God can not handle?  No.  Will God abandon his congregation in a time of great need?  Absolutely not.  But we are human and we are fearful.  

"He says, 'Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'  The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress."  Psalm 46:10-11 NIV

The Holy Spirit has moved and done great things over the last four years, and God has shown His faithfulness, yet still we doubt.  My prayer for Bethesda and for other churches would be to be content with slow, steady growth and that even in periods of no growth to listen to God in the quiet. 

A Time for Everything
Ecclesiastes 3 1-8 NIV

"There is a time for everything,  
and a season for every activity under the heavens:  
a time to be born and a time to die, 
a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
a time to kill and a time to heal, 
a time to tear down and a time to build, 
a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 
a time to search and a time to give up, 
a time to keep and a time to throw away, 
a time to tear and a time to mend, 
a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
a time to love and a time to hate, 
a time for war and a time for peace." 

There is a time for growth, and a time not to grow.

Thanks for reading!

Wisdom of Shanes

Shane Claiborne spoke at my home church this weekend.  I didn't make the trek across the snow and ice covered prairie, but I was able to watch the live streams online and catch all of his sermons.  I've heard him speak before, and his messages were consistent with what I've heard before.  Something I appreciate about his messages is that he just sounds like a fellow Christian who is earnestly trying to live out the Gospel of Christ.  He's not doing it in a boastful or showy way, he's just doing it.  It's refreshing.

I didn't take notes this time, probably because while I was listening I was drinking coffee and eating a bagel, or carrying my ipad around my apartment so that I could get ready for church or just whatever.  Something I did write down, was, "You have to believe in miracles because we live in a world where God is at work."  This isn't even a direct quote from him, but I'm not sure who he was quoting.  Something that I've heard before that he said this morning was that in North America we don't think that miracles happen anymore because we don't need them, so we're not looking for them.  But in war-torn third world countries, there are other Christians who depend on miracles day to day.  We all rely on God for our survival, but in our first world luxury of technology and available healthcare we think we don't.  He also told a story of a clinic that would remain open even if they didn't have medicine.  One day was particularly bad, they only had a single bottle of Pepto Bismol.  But they opened the clinic anyway and prayed with people and treated them with a dose of Pepto Bismol no matter if they had a hernia or a skin laceration.  Patients left the clinic with alleviated symptoms and even though the line of people was out the door consistently throughout the day, the bottle of medicine never ran out.  Miracle? You have to believe in miracles because we live in a world where God is at work.

I did go to church at Sublette Southern Baptist this morning to hear Pastor Shane Lester preach.  Shane Claiborne spoke out of John 14 this morning and Shane Lester spoke out of Galatians 1. But I'll try to make somewhat of a connection for you that I heard while sitting in the sanctuary this morning.

God is not concerned with legalism and license.  God is concerned with our souls.  "God's pleasure in you is not based on your performance for Him."  Nothing we do or don't do affects how much God delights in us.  We are only saved through Grace.  It is Grace, it is free, unmerited.  But yet it is offered up for us.  The Gospel of Christ is for everyone, uncircumcised and circumcised alike; for Jew and Gentile alike.  Anything that we add to or remove from Grace is a perversion of it.  The Grace of Christ alone can save us.  "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him."  John 3:17  When Christ came He fulfilled the prophesies of the Old Testament but did not add to the lengthy laws imposed by the Pharisees.  He did not add to that yoke or even change it, He REPLACED it.  He replaced it, with Wonderful, Matchless Grace.  Ok now I'm sounding cliche`.  "His yoke is easy and His burden it light."  I tried to find the exact link in Isaiah 40 this morning, but I came up short.  So here is a link for Chorus 21 of the Messiah.  I was thinking about all of the legalistic things that mankind has tried to accomplish in this world in the name of Christ and come up short.  Old Testament Law, new laws of the Pharisees, even Luther's 95 Theses, church work that we do today.  All of that was covered by Grace.  Aren't you glad that Jesus came to save sinners?  Alright I can't even take credit for this, I heard it on the radio on the way to church.  Pastor Shane again, "Your acceptance before God is based solely on what Jesus did on the Cross."

Ok now for my main musings.  Jesus is not Play-Dough.  He is a rigid puzzle piece that fits into the God-shaped hole in our hearts.  We cannot mold Him to fit our lives how we want.  Yet at the same time, He is exactly what each person needs.  Every person was created differently and has a different perception of the world.  Yet everyone was created equal in their need for God in their life.  God does not change.  He has been the same since the beginning of time.  It is our perception of Him that has changed.  Human need for God has not changed, human awareness of our need for God has changed.  It is something humankind has been continually learning and re-learning since Adam and Eve walked this earth.

Now for an un-related note, based on a doodle on my sermon notes.  Have you ever thought that we can see God's majesty and royalty in the world around us?  Think about how the mountains are majestic.  Have you ever looked at the mountains and thought you could see the crown of Christ?  Each peak of a mountain range is an arch to the King's crown.  Each tree and stream and animal is a jewel on the crown with sunbeams gleaming off of it.  Honestly I have never thought this before in my life until I looked at my sketch of a mountain range at the top of my notes this morning.

Thanks for reading, I know this was long.  Have a great week!

-Becca

I

I'm not sure if this is a poem, or word vomit.  At any rate, here it is.

Sometimes I feel landlocked.  Here in the middle of po-dunk Kansas. (Offense not intended).
Sometimes I feel like a 30-something trapped in a 20-something body.
I hate that the term 20-something is an accurate description of me.
Sometimes I hate that I've only been in love once, really in love, and I have nothing to compare it to.
Then I remember that is nothing to be down about and I should count my blessings.
A lot of the time, I feel lonely.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I'm like "Hey you.  Good job for not moving back in with your parents after graduating college.  Way to be out on your own."
And then sometimes I look at my friends who did, and are close with their parents, and I think, "I don't judge you, I wish I still lived with my parents."
Sometimes I miss my parents.  Most of the time I miss my parents (Yes I know you're reading this Mom.) Sometimes I miss my parents a lot.
All of the time I miss my niece and nephews.  They are the greatest children that walk this earth.  Don't argue with me.  You're wrong.
A lot of the time I miss my sister-in-law.  I wish we lived close enough to make plans to go shopping and garden and can vegetables and cook and scrapbook and become better friends.
Sometimes I miss my brothers.  I look up to them, but sometimes they're still annoying, even as adults.  I wish they had taught me how to hunt and fish.  I also wish they weren't the only athletic ones in the family.

Sometimes I'm proud to say I've lived in Kansas since 2007.  You can officially call me a Kansan now, I became permanent resident last fall and just bought my first Kansas license plate this week.
I'm always proud to say I lived in England for a year. (Ok fine 10 months).  I miss my England family so very much.
I always miss Nebraska, and I will always be a Nebraskan no matter what patch of earth I call home.
Also I will always be a Husker fan.  These two things are separate but intertwined.  And I am both.
I'm proud to be a daughter of the One True King.  I'm thankful for my Christian up-bringing.  I'm thankful for my Anabaptist up-bringing.  I'm thankful for my German Mennonite roots. Again, these things too are separate.

I'm thankful I have a college education.  I'm thankful I'm young.  I'm thankful I have my health.
I still struggle with body image even though I'm no longer a teenage girl.
I'm thankful I can work.  I'm thankful for my job.
Most days I love my job.  Some days I want to run away and hide under a rock and not come out for a week.  Or a month.  Then the weekend ends and I return Monday morning.
Sometimes I hate Mondays.  Sometimes I love them.  The same goes for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Sometimes I like being by myself.  I always hate living by myself.

Ok blogger folks, that's all she wrote.

Revisited: Fall Bucket List

I decided to look at my fall bucket list to see how many things I actually accomplished.  As you can see below, I did a pretty crappy job of completing the majority of things on this list.  Granted, this list wasn't actually a very big priority for me this fall.  I've never really done a bucket list, or a seasonal bucket list.  Judging by how this went, if I try a bucket list again, I'm going to need to come to it with a better attitude than I did this one.  The things that were on my real bucket list, not listed here, were successfully teach my first semester, and develop relationships in the community around me.  I did those things, so YAY!  Below you'll find the original list with things I actually did crossed off, and additional comments.

I found this on Pinterest, but I thought it was a good list.  


-pick apples--> had no place to
-make leaf art-->no time
-go on a hay-ride-->no resources
-jump in a leaf pile, pictures optional-->nope
-enjoy a bonfire, and smores!-->:(
-make caramel apples-->too much mess
-corn maze-I've actually never done this because when you've grown up around corn, it's simply not fascinating
-go to a pumpkin patch-->nope
-go on 2 dates (Ha!)--see peeps who told me this would, happen it DIDN'T!
-make fall cookies-what are those, Snickerdoodles?--->I made choc. chip cookies once?
-take a nature walk, and photo-document it-->no time
-trick-or-treat-->um no.
-bake pies-well duh
-decorate a pumpkin (carve/paint)
-drink fancy coffee drinks
-picnic-I haven't been on a picnic in ages, and only once in the fall

So that's the list, with my comments.
Here's my additions:
-watch football, faithfully
-go to football games
-enjoy football weather
-go to a Husker game--> I legitimately tried to do this with my family, but it didn't work out this year

-make fancy coffee drinks
-go to my first college Homecoming-I'm excited about this!
-eat &make; make candy corn/peanut mix-->not sure why I didn't do this
-drink Spiced Cider
-celebrate Harvest--> um I don't know what I was thinking with this, it wasn't really talked about in the church I'm currently attending, maybe that's what I was thinking...


Well I gave it my best attempt (sort of) and that's what happened.  Maybe I'll be more successful next year!